Thursday, August 10, 2006

Bitter Fruit

Imagine that the plot to murder thousands of air passengers had succeeded; imagine that you are a journalist on a newspaper called Stupid Wanker, organ of the Stupid Wankers' Party: what would you write about the mass murder that has just taken place?

I invite readers to submit their articles for Stupid Wanker. The rules are as follows;

1/ The Headline must begin "Bitter fruit of..." (complete);

2/ The article must deal with the mass deaths as though they were a natural phenomenon, and not the deliberate work of human beings...and yet this must be squared with the following point...

3/ Bush and Blair must be blamed; but mainly Bush, rather than Blair, because the US and Israel are the main enemy, and we want to relate to Brits; nevertheless we have to lead off with an attack on Blair;

4/...But the real culprits must be identified as the Zionists and the state of Israel (anyone who mentions "Jews" will be disqualified);

5/ The attacks must be condemned sufficiently to satisfy Guardian-readers and HE lecturers, but not so sharply as to antagonise Muslim fundamentalists.

6/ Bonus pints will be given for the inclusion of a moronic Michael Rosen-type poem along the lines of "You bomb our country, and we'll bomb yours" - ignoring the fact that the bombers are British.

OK: understand the rules?

The prize for best entry will be an all-expenses-paid night out in Birmingham (UK)'s premier real-ale pub, in the company of me, the Priest and the Socialist Party's top real ale expert, raconteur and wit: Comrade Clive Walder!

Anyway, here's my offering (but I'm sure you can do a lot better) :

Bitter Fruit of Blair's Zionist War - Mongering

The full horror of the attacks on the airliners was breathtaking as Stupid Wanker went to press. Very many innocent people have been killed or injured.

Nobody knows for sure who is responsible. If it was opponents of British foreign policy in Iraq, Lebanon and elsewhere, it will be because they believe, wrongly, that it is the only way to respond to the horrors they have suffered from the British, US and Israeli governments.. The tragic scenes over he Atlantic are the bitter fruits pursued by the British, US and Israeli states.

War criminal Bush spoke of "terrorist outrages". Yet the state he heads, together with Israel, has been responsible for burying men, women and children under piles of rubble. In Israel, the US and Britain support the war criminals who seek to destroy the heroic freedom-fighters of Hizbollah. Faced with the might of the Zionists and the US, some people can become so desperate that they try to fight back against this military giant with the limited weapons they have to hand.

They do not have Cruise missiles - so they take to turning a highjacked airliner into a suicide bomb instead. It is not a method that can break US / Zionist power and British compliance. many innocent civilians will have been killed. The suicide attacks were born out of desperation at the supreme arrogance and contempt of the rulers of the most powerful capitalist states on Earth.

After the 2001 attacks on New York and Washington, the Us responded with attacks on Afghanistan and Iraq - supported by Britain and Israel. They will be looking for revenge now. That will drive more people to hate Britain.

It is the responsibility of everyone who is revolted at the lethal world order that the US and Isreal - supported by Blair -sit at the top of to offer a way forward. It needs to be based on the mass collective power of ordinary people across the world, and targetted precisely at our rulers".

Poem by Michael Tosser:

"You drop bombs on us

"And We'll drop bombs on you

"They fuck you up, your Bush and Blair

"They mean to, believe it, comrade!

"Can I have my cheque now?

"Actually, I'd prefer cash

"Zionists are the same as nazis".


Anonymous Boogski said...

Bitter fruit of scumbag Imperialist Capitalists

A spokesman for the IWP condemns these attacks in the strongest terms:

"The peaceful people of the Islamist Worker's Party were (once again) forced to withhold information concerning a plan to intentionally kill innocent civilians because our sources indicate this is a totally equatable response to the war crimes of the Zionist supporters Bliar/Bushitler/USrael."

The spokesman went on to say:

"It's the Zionists fault. We've told them time and time again that all they have to do is simply die for peace. What's the problem?"

8:10 PM  
Blogger voltaires_priest said...

You need to get the line "imperialism has suffered a blow" in there somewhere.

12:25 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

Great prize, a night out with you lot :-)

What do the runners up get ?

1:40 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

I would just add to an article the following :

- a quote from Yvonne Ridley .

- 'We are all ....(insert as appropriate ).

1:44 AM  
Blogger voltaires_priest said...

"What do the runners up get"

A night out with Yvonne "party gal" Ridley

1:54 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

Hmmm, there are some strange sorts that might prefer that to a night out with you lot, better let Paddy know .

2:01 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

VP and Jim

I have just linked to one of your posts on SB. Can I have a prize :-)

2:55 AM  
Blogger voltaires_priest said...

Yes - you win a night of furious argument between myself and Jim about the AWL's stance on the Danish cartoons, in the luxuriant confines of Birmingham's finest real ale emporium!

4:16 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

As long as they serve jack daniels (well , bollie might be stretching it ). Can't stand real ale :-)

You both in Birmingham then ?

How about a night out in Brighton. Not quite real ale places though, more camp, but hey you can prove how right on you are :-)

4:31 AM  
Blogger voltaires_priest said...

Oh god yeah, they serve JD :D

A couple of Jim's AWL buddies live in Brighton - I understand it's like a little left wing (and affluent) republic on the south coast?

But the real question is, can one buy one's copy of Stupid Wanker on a Saturday in the town centre?

4:46 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

Yep, you can buy it .

Have you been to Brighton ? Its not that affluent and is full of exiles from London (myself included).

Anyway glad to hear about the JD and don't listen to osler if he tells you not to let me drink it :-) I am perfectly well behaved even when I have drunk half a bottle in a very short time. he exaggerates !

4:50 AM  
Blogger voltaires_priest said...


You may drink what you like, regardless of the edicts of the tyrannical Osler :D

5:27 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

You think anyone can tell me what to do !!

Louise bought me a bottle of JD last week and he went on the blog to say no, no no .....

I am very well behaved (if you believe , you will beleive anything) . Osler was impressed tho when I drank half a bottle in half an hour once ! It was catch up , thats my excuse .

And like all good small toddlers, you tell me I should'nt do something and i will want to do it...

5:35 AM  
Blogger voltaires_priest said...

Hehe - now why doesn't that surprise me?

7:06 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

Oh dear, my reputation is in tatters ;-)

7:07 AM  
Blogger stroppybird said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:59 PM  
Blogger El Tom said...

This is fucking brilliant.

More SWP bashing at my place. Yay!

8:01 PM  
Blogger Wanderslore said...

Well I can have a night out with Jim Denham anytime I like ! but Dude you are SO right

10:11 AM  

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